And They Wonder Why I'm Crazy
by UsuakariTOT
Summary: Everyone knows that Yami Marik was born from the pain and hatred of Malik Ishtar, but is hatred indeed that simple? Excuses may not make things right, but they can make them clearer.


**A/N- **Basically its my thoughts on why Yamino Malik wishes to plunge the world into darkness. I'm trying to capture the notorious villian in a different light, but at the same time keep him in character. It's my attempt at a thought-provoking oneshot, and I'm not sure it worked out so well. I've never written anything like this and any feedback would be much appreciated. I hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer-**Yami no Malik and all related Yugioh characters belong to Kazuki Takahashi, however the opinions expressed are my own.

**Warning- **There's nothing sexually explicit. However there is violence, angst, and plenty of darkness involved.

**And They Wonder Why I'm Crazy**

There are very few people who can recall every detail of their birth. Perhaps I am the only one. The day I was born was not, as many seem to believe, the day I killed my host's father. No, I was born on Malik Ishtar's tenth birthday. When the tombkeeper's insignia was seared into his flesh, when the hatred and pain in his soul became something past endurance, I was created as a sort of whipping boy. All of my hikari's harmful emotions were pressed into the darkest corners of his mind, and therefore I was thrust brutally into existance.

I may have been born of darkness, but I was still a child. None of the pain made sense to me. It was as if some horrible poison was being soaked up inside of me. I choked on Malik's tears, was force fed his steaming blood and darkest thoughts. The very moment I was born was also the very moment I first wished for death. Nothing but shadows swarmed around me, and the only images imprinted in my mind were those of torment and utter despair. I understood none of these terrible memories, only that it was my fate to carry them, as it was my hikari's to bear those of the unkown pharaoh.

For the first year of my unwanted life all I knew was blackness. It surrounded me, consumed me. I was as much a part of the shadows as the shadows were a part of me, but still I longed for light. I did not know at the time that this was what I expressly desired. I simply believed that there had had to be something beyond the wretched darkness. I was so stupid then. Stupid in think that a creature born of hatred such as myself would ever be accepted or even allowed into the outside world.

Chained inside my shadowed prison though I was, my mind could still sense some of what went on around me. The picture was not clear, but I clung to the fragments like oxygen. A laugh here, a garbled phrase there. I would sit there in the dark, pondering these verbal enigmas until I thought my head would burst. They were all that kept me company, and yet these brief glimpses of life taunted me. They showed to me a world where I was never meant to exist. A place that was at once beautiful and terribly sad.

There came a day when I finally did escape the confines of Malik's mind. It was the day when, with the help of Rishid and Ishizu, my hikari was finally able to leave the pharaoh's tomb. His emotions were particularly active that day, allowing me to absorb much of the events that went on while he was above ground. This should have made me happy, but instead I felt bitter resentment. All these people were so pathetic. Here they were, basking in sunlight while I festered away in the dark, and all they could do was complain. They complained about suffering, pain, death. Hell, they even complained about love! I have never felt hatred as I did at that moment. To talk of suffering when I alone knew what it was to be consumed by darkness, to speak of pain when I was born from it, to fear death when I had yet to truly live. And these wretched creatures of the sun! How dare they even utter a word about love. The one thing more beautiful than light. The one thing no amount of power could give me. Love angered me more than anything else, because like the light I did not understand it, and even worse, I somehow knew that love was the one pleasure I would never have.

It was at that moment that I came to hate the light. It was like the people it illuminated, false, ungrateful. I despised it. Somehow they would have to learn. Somehow I would have to show them. These humans had taken what they had for granted. When I ripped it away from them they would beg, and I would sit at home in the darkness I created and rule them all.

Mere hours later I received my first chance. Returning home and seeing his protector, Rishid, being beaten nearly to death caused Malik to snap. All his hatred and rage, in other words all that I consisted of, came boiling forth. Moments after his father tortured Rishid into unconsciousness the doors of Malik's soul room were opened, and I was released. It was almost like being born anew. I once again felt my host's blood seeping into me, felt the raw anger for his father burn me and at the same time give me strength. I laughed as I came forth. I laughed as I killed the man whose actions had indirectly led to my creation. Yes, I enjoyed myself imensely. I was free, free from the Realms of Shadow. No one would ever again shut me away. I would no longer be suffering alone. What a terrible fool I was.

All too soon Rishid awoke, consequently plunging me back into the pits of shadow. To this day I do not understand why that man held so much power over me. Perhaps it was because he was so loyal to my host. No matter what follies Malik decided to partake in Rishid was always by his side. Even Ishizu could not claim to possess that kind of devotion to her brother. Either way my hikari seemed to gather hope from his companion's generally silent presence. I assume they are still quite close.

As I was saying, I had been forced back into darkness. It was partially my own fault. How could I be so stupid? I should have planned, should have bided my time. Then maybe I would not have missed the opportune moment when it presented itself. But then I was still a child, untaught in the arts of war. After this failure I flew into hysterics. I began hurling my body at the invisible barriers of my light's mind, and then, too weak and bloody to continue, I began to scream into the darkness, all the while sobbing as if my nonexistant heart had been ripped to pieces. Do you think it strange that Yami Marik would cry? Perhaps it is. Monsters are not generally supposed to express anything more complex than rage or demensia. It doesn't matter though. Nobody was around to hear me.

Five more years I spent in darkness with only a minute glimmer of the outside world penetrating my desolate existance. This period of time is what truly drove me to madness. When I had killed Malik's father it was not because I had lost my mind. I was beginning to perhaps, but the murder was fueled mainly by bitterness, not insanity. No, it was the time afterwards that I slipped over the edge of rational thought. I had been so close, had actually tasted the air, felt the solid earth beneath my feet. For a moment I had been free. But now, once again locked away, my mind continued to deteriorate. By the time I once again escaped, my sanity was gone along with any wishes I might still have had for coexisting with the beings of Light.

And so I began my quest for domination. With Rishid out of the way for the time being I was free to cause havoc as I wished. The pharaoh and his followers hated me, thought me nothing more than a hideous mass of undesired human emotions. They didn't waste time wondering if there was another side to me or if I even had a soul at all, but I was grateful for this. It made my job easier, for they underestimated me. Even the self-proclaimed Thief King, Yami Bakura, didn't size me up as he should have. Or perhaps he did. I can't really be sure. The tombrobber was one of the few people, if not the only person, who could have understood me. In a way I feared him for it. We were so similar, both out for revenge, both driven into madness. In a different world we could have been partners as he was with my hikari.

There was however one fatal flaw in Yami Bakura's design. During our Shadow Game he claimed that he would return, that he was in fact one and the same with the darkness. This first boast may have proven to be true, though I was not around to witness it, but the latter, and more magnificant claim was simply wishful thinking. Bakura may have been a monster, but he was once a creature of the light as well. He did not become part of the shadows. He was merely their puppet. They took over his soul, his purpose, his very being. He became a tool to the darkness. Each day he fought to defeat the pharaoh. Once long ago I'm sure he had a reason to hate the one known as Yami Yugi, but by the time I had met him, the Thief King no longer seemed to know why himself. He was pushed by a demented sort of hate, unconsciously allowing the darkness to use him as a pawn. Cunning as he was Bakura should have known better, for as those born of darkness cannot become light, then the fortunate souls of the light can never be truly dark. There will always be a sliver of good inside of Bakura, whether he chooses to admit it or not.

Finally, after many duels and close calls, I came to the single remaining obstacle. Defeat the Pharaoh and gain the world. This was my goal, and very nearly did I fufill it. I had two Sennen items as well as the most powerful of the Egyptian God Cards in my possession, but in the end the 'forces of good' still won. I was thrown down not by Yugi, but by my own hikari. Rishid had awoken and so then did Malik's determination. He forced me out. I suppose I can't really blame him. I can hate Malik, but never can I truly blame him for what he did. Looking in my eyes, my hikari saw sides of himself that he never wanted to confront. If he had let me keep control not only would the worlds of Light and Shadow be combined, but he would be forced to recognize that I was more than just a manifestation of his thoughts. I was real.

Is that what I desired all along? For someone to acknowledge my existance?

I will not say that had Malik not regained control I would have defeated the pharaoh. It is in fact very unlikely that I would have emerged victorious in that duel. I had one lifepoint remaining, but I would have rather died at the hands of Yami Yugi than be pushed away by my other half like a piece of trash. How could he not see how much I'd done for him? True, it was for my own gains, but if it hadn't been for me Malik would still be under the rule of his malignant father! Didn't he see how desperately I too longed for the sun? It was only when I realized the light was false that I resolved myself to bringing about darkness. It was only when he pushed me away that I truly went insane.

But then I suppose it was my fate from the start to be alone. I was born not into the light but into the abyss. I tried to find some humanity at first, but I was already falling. To be lonely is to be crippled. To go unloved is to be at the epitomy of pain. This is terrible when it befalls an innocent creature, but even worse for someone like me. At least those who are pure have the comfort of knowing they've been wronged, but a monster such as myself isn't even_**supposed**_ to be loved, is not_**worthy**_ of companionship! I was doomed to failure before I began. In the end, I will always be returned to my proper place in the shadows.

However I refuse to be so rudely shoved aside. Malik has not seen the last of me, nor have any of his little friends. Though he can continually run away, my hikari will never be rid of his darkness. I will keep coming back, and though I now know I will never succeed in taking over the physical world I will continue to haunt it. They will be reminded again and again of how painfully real I am! No one, least of all my host, will ever forget. At night they will see my face. At noon my shadow will chill them to the bone. I did not ask to be created, but since I have been I DESERVE to be remembered! I don't care if they pity me. I don't care if they hate me. Just so long as they never forget. The child born in Hell! The devil who longed for Light! The heart that was destined to be alone...to go unloved.

And they wonder why I'm crazy.

-TOT


End file.
